I was fuming! I could not believe what that asshat had done now. Though I should have known; all signs pointed to douche-baggery. No one was cute enough to forgive that!
I snatched out my ancient P.O.S. cell phone and dialed bestie with shaking hands. It was already ringing when I lifted it to my ear. I barely registered the people on the street as I stormed toward my crappy loft near the park.
As soon as the ringing stopped, I launched in without even waiting for the usual greeting. “He drunk proposed to my ex-boyfriend with my nana’s ring! Nana’s ring! Literally the only thing worth anything to me in my sorry excuse for a life! And he stole it from my thrift store jewelry box and gave it to that asshole!”
“Who – ”
“David! Remember David? Looked vaguely like a pedophile with a beard that looked like it was made entirely of lady pubic hair. Him. Him! My nana’s ring is currently on that twat waffle’s ring finger!”
“I – ”
“Oh no, wait a sec, it gets better. He was wearing my panties!”
“What is – ”
“I know! And not just my normal Monday panties either. Oh no, he was wearing my naughty negligees! All black and lacey and crotchless! It was…. Oh lord, it was probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been with this dickhead for what? Two years? What is wrong with me?!”
Bestie had nothing to say.
“I forgave him the sheep thing. I even forgave him the reenactment of the two girls and one cup thing. Curiosity and experimentation, sure, fine, whatever. But he has gone too far with this! He knows Nana was the only person on this god-forsaken planet that ever really loved me – I mean, other than you of course – and he took the only thing I have left of her. Her took her ring!”
I broke into sobs as I climbed the steps to my apartment, wiping my eyes and ignoring the wide-eyed looks from my neighbors.
“And that disgusting piece of horse turd David won’t give the ring back, so now I have to get the police involved and since I work at his brother’s freaking diner I probably won’t have a job in another day or two when he finally realizes I’m serious about the breakup this time. Seriously, what was I thinking ever agreeing to go out with Timothy? Seriously? You were there, what was I thinking?!”
There was a long pause before the response.
“I can only assume you misdialed your friend, and some magical comedy of errors connected you to me.”
That was not bestie… oh holy mother of fuck…
“I have heard a lot of things in my life, but this story is up there for the weirdest.”
This wasn’t happening.
“You obviously weren’t thinking when you hooked up with either of these gentlemen you mentioned, and I hope that the last two years will serve as a very serious wakeup call to you. Whatever the sheep thing was, that probably should have been the end of it.”
I was going to die of embarrassment. It was bad enough to admit all this to my best friend, let alone to this definitely recognizable voice.
“Quit the diner, find a new job, and stop dating until you get you head on straight.”
“Yes sir,” I mumbled.
“And one more thing, who the hell doesn’t have their best friend programmed in their phone?! Take the time to do that so we don’t have this fun again. Got it?”
“Got it.”
And he hung up. I stared at the phone, not sure if I should laugh or cry. I very carefully dialed bestie’s number, triple checking it before I hit the dial button.
“Alright,” she answered. “What’s that twat waffle done now?”
Since I couldn’t decide on an emotion, I burst into laughing tears. “I just told Morgan Freeman that my boyfriend proposed to my ex in crotchless panties!”
